Chicago Phil vs L.A. Phil

Coming off the Lakers' dominant two-game sweep of the Spurs on the road, tell me the Zen Hoopster isn't secretly thinking "Dynasty 2 -- Electric Boogaloo?"

Oh sure, the current edition of the once-mighty Bulls have a better shot at reminding Phil Jackson of his years with the Albany Patroons, but way back in the last millennium they were the gold standard.

Granted, things might get interesting if Mike gathers the Prostate Posse for one last Wiz, but in the meantime there is no disputing that Jax is the singular Dynastic Link.

So it's time to take a long, hard look at both editions: Chicago Phil, LA Phil. Let's take a cleansing breath, choose the road less traveled, look deep into our spirits and see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape...

VISIONS THAT TEST A WARRIOR'S HEART:

LA PHIL: Watching Isaiah Rider struggle with the nuances of telling time.

CHICAGO PHIL: The chance, however remote, that you might see Jerry Krause naked.

ADVANTAGE: Push

ICONS THAT ENRICH A WARRIORS ENVIRONMENT:

CHICAGO PHIL: A gym festooned with sacred tribal talisman.

LA PHIL: Jack Nicholson explaining the shot clock to his 19 year old date.

ADVANTAGE: Chicago

THE MEANING OF A TRIANGLE:

CHICAGO PHIL: A potent offense

LA PHIL: The plot to this week's Dawson's Creek!

ADVANTAGE: Chicago

REQUIRED READING:

CHICAGO PHIL: Zen and the art of Motorcycle maintenance

LA PHIL: Zen and the art of shutting out the annoying gibberish of Dyan Cannon.

ADVANTAGE: Chicago

THE CHALLENGE:

LA PHIL: Convincing Shaq and Kobe to share.

CHICAGO PHIL: Convincing his players to stop crying after Jordan humiliated them in practice.

ADVANTAGE: Push

TRIBAL MARKINGS:

LA PHIL: Shaq's Superman tattoo

CHICAGO PHIL: The Worm--more piercings than the cover girl on this month's "Outlaw Biker"

ADVANTAGE: Push

MIRACLES:

CHICAGO PHIL: You found a way to win with Luc Longley

LA PHIL: You have become so powerful you can date the owner's daughter.

ADVANTAGE: Chicago

DISTRACTIONS ON THE ROAD TO VICTORY:

CHICAGO PHIL: The tough love of Jerry Reinsdorf

LA PHIL: The jiggling love of the Laker Girls

ADVANTAGE: LA - Yes! And it counts! And he'll go to the line with the ol' lower chakra!

ASSETS:

CHICAGO PHIL: Michael Jordan, ESPN's athlete of the century

LA PHIL: Fans who are too busy using their cell phones to boo.

ADVANTAGE: Chicago

WINNING VISUALIZATIONS:

CHICAGO PHIL: Splicing powerful movie footage into game tapes.

LA PHIL: Avoiding scenes from Shaq's movies

ADVANTAGE: Chicago

PROVINCIAL REACTIONS TO HIS INDIAN HEADDRESS:

CHICAGO PHIL: He must be off his medication.

LA PHIL: He must be doing extra work on "Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman"

ADVANTAGE: Push

REBELLIONS:

CHICAGO PHIL: The day Scotty Pippen refused to reenter a game

LA PHIL: The day his entire team refused to share a home with the Clippers

ADVANTAGE: Push

WHAT IT TOOK TO GET HIM THERE:

CHICAGO PHIL: Bus fare out of the CBA

LA PHIL: 5 years, 30 million

ADVANTAGE: Push!

ETERNAL QUESTIONS:

CHICAGO PHIL: Would he have won without Jordan?

LA PHIL: Will my shaman spiritualism work in a city with more religious sects than Starbucks?

ADVANTAGE: The eternal yin-yang of everything and nothingness we call... Pushhhhh.

So there you have it, it's so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a trouncing that defies the gentle Tai Chi of basketball, the advantage goes...to Chicago Phil. Hey, six rings is a tough act to follow, but this is a man who got both Jordan and Shaq to pass the ball, thus all things are possible. Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.