Jerry Buss vs Donald T. Sterling

Lakers. Clippers. Same town. Same game. Same league. But when it comes to tradition, these teams have less in common than a polo match and a soup line. Picking on the Clipps may be relentless and cheap, but sometimes you just have to pick that scab. And this time, we follow the river to the source -- all the way up to the owner's box. Laker's owner Jerry Buss vs. Clippers owner Donald T. Sterling, the bachelor dentist versus the prince of overpaid apartment complexes. Let's see how they stack up at the Tale Of The Tape:

WINNING TRADITION:

BUSS: 25 NBA Finals, 12 championships

STERLING: Most 60 loss seasons in NBA history, nine, for you kids scoring at home. And they say Dimaggio's 56 is untouchable!

ADVANTAGE: Clippers

WHAT THEY'VE BUILT:

BUSS: A perennial contender

STERLING: A way to charge big league prices for a hamster-wheel of humiliation

ADVANTAGE: Lakers

WHAT THEY ENVY IN EACH OTHER'S BASKETBALL TEAMS:

BUSS: The cap space of the Chicago Bulls

STERLING: The won/lost record of the Washington Generals

ADVANTAGE: Lakers

DELUSIONS:

BUSS: Secretly thinking he looks like Kit Carson.

STERLING: Secretly thinking that "basketball" is Latin for "lost leader."

ADVANTAGE: Push

TEAM TRAVEL:

BUSS: First class

STERLING: Priceline.com

ADVANTAGE: Lakers

TEAMS OFTEN FEATURED ON:

BUSS: The NBA Game of the week

STERLING: Ripley's Believe It Or Not

ADVANTAGE: Lakers

THE STAPLES CENTER:

BUSS: is the main reason it was built

STERLING: is the main reason they can't book pro wrestling there more often

ADVANTAGE: Lakers

WHY THEY ORDERED A BAN ON CELL PHONES:

BUSS: Players were fielding endorsement offers during team meetings

STERLING: Players were trying to engineer trades during timeouts

ADVANTAGE: Push

WHAT THEIR LUXURY BOXES INCLUDE:

BUSS: Prawns, caviar, opera glasses

STERLING: Zantac, barf bags, some good books, cyanide

ADVANTAGE: Push. Luxury is relative

FAN APPROVAL RATINGS:

BUSS: Hovering near sex and syndication money

STERLING: Dangling near tax preparations and deep rectal spasms

ADVANTAGE: Lakers

WHAT FANS GET FOR THE MONEY:

BUSS: A container

STERLING: Virtually no wait at valet

ADVANTAGE: Clippers! This is LA, where parking is the holy grail

HALL OF FAME GMs:

JERRY WEST: Is the best talent evaluator in the game

ELGIN BAYLOR: Is such a regular at the lottery, the Commissioner just asks if he wants the usual...Then serves him an underachiever.

ADVANTAGE: Lakers

BUMPER STICKERS:

BUSS: If the owner's box is rockin', don't come knockin'

STERLING: I lost more talent than the Chicken Ranch

ADVANTAGE: Push

HOW THEY RE-WROTE WILL ROGERS:

BUSS: Never met a man who wouldn't pay a grand to sit courtside

STERLING: Never met a team he couldn't deduct.

ADVANTAGE: Lakers

So there you have it. In a Dream Team vs. a Micronesia Landslide, the advantage goes to Dr. Jerry Buss and the Lakers, which only adds to my private pain as I remember that the Clippers were once my hometown Buffalo Braves. I'm Nick Bakay, reminding you, that the numbers never lie.