Mariners vs Starbucks

International voting has helped turn the All-Star extravaganza into a Mariners' home game.  No disrespect to the team with the best record in baseball, but will the phenomenon of these new-look M's turn Starbucks into a bitter cup of yesterday's pop-cultural brew?

Seattle -- it has long been the home of coffee, geoducks, and suicide.  But has Mariner Mania reinvented its relevance?

Mariners, Starbucks. Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape...
   

SUDDENLY:

MARINERS: Sportswriters

STARBUCKS: A shop on every corner

ADVANTAGE: Push

 
WHATEVER HAPPENED TO...

MARINERS: Alex Rodriguez?

STARBUCKS: The old cups with the mermaids with their fins spread?

ADVANTAGE: Starbucks

 
STUFFING THE BALLOT BOX:

MARINERS: How the international vote earned all those starters

STARBUCKS: An industry term for what happens when you chase cabbage rolls with a grande

ADVANTAGE: Mariners

 
INNOVATIONS:

MARINERS: An Asian player who can hit

STARBUCKS: A cup of Joe that costs six dollars

ADVANTAGE: Mariners

WHO'S SORRY NOW?:

MARINERS: Ken Griffey Jr.

STARBUCKS: Maxwell House

ADVANTAGE: Mariners

 
USED TO BE:

MARINERS: Pilots

STARBUCKS: Fifty cents a cup

ADVANTAGE: Mariners

 
"GROUNDER":

MARINERS: A fielder's choice

STARBUCKS: One step below "Barista"

ADVANTAGE: Starbucks

 
LETTING RIVALS OVERPAY:

MARINERS: Rangers give A-Rod 250 million

STARBUCKS: The $150 million McDonald's coffee-scalding settlement

ADVANTAGE: Push, either way it's the fans who pay

 
"BEAN BALL":

MARINERS: A retaliation

STARBUCKS: A promotion

ADVANTAGE: Starbucks

 
CHATTER:

MARINERS: "Hey, getcha sushi!"

STARBUCKS: "Fill it to the Pacific Rim!"

ADVANTAGE: Mariners

 
ABBRIVIATIONS:

MARINERS: M's

STARBUCKS: S'ucks

ADVANTAGE: Mariners

 
MAGAGERIAL PROTESTS:

MARINERS: "Sweet Lou" rips up the first-base bag

STARBUCKS: "Pony-tail Joe" overcaffinates

ADVANTAGE: Mariners

 
OWNERSHIP:

MARINERS: A Japanese conglomerate

STARBUCKS: Kenny G.

ADVANTAGE: Mariners

 
NEW MERCHANDISE:

MARINERS: Pokemon's new "Ichirokachoo"

STARBUCKS: Annoying, yuppified "theme" CDs, such as "Blues for a Bear Market"

ADVANTAGE: Mariners

So, there you have it.  When you're sliding into home, and your pants are full of latté foam, the advantage goes to ... the Seattle Mariners.  But hang in there Starbucks, at the end of the day, 900 million twitching addicts can't be wrong.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you that the numbers never lie.