NB CONFIDENTIAL: SUPERBOWL SUNDAY

FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MISSED IT IN THIS WEEK'S ESPN MAGAZINE, OR THOSE WHO WANT TO SEE THE FULL, UNEXPURGATED VERSION: HERE'S THE GENIUS VS. GENIUS THROWDOWN:

NICK BAKAY'S TALE OF THE TAPE: BELICHICK VS. EINSTEIN

The Eagles may have just signed Jeff Thomason off of a construction site, but I have no doubt Bill Belichick has already broken down film of him pushing a wheelbarrow. Genius is as genius does, just another reason why it seems so fitting that the year the architect of football’s most brilliant schemes looks to set the post-season win record also happens to be the one hundredth anniversary of Einstein’s theory of relativity. Billy versus Al: When it comes to thinking outside the eight man box, which one takes the brass ring in the steel cage match? Big Bangs versus Blindside Blitzes, let’s see how they stack up at the tale of the tape…

REDEFINED OUR CONCEPT OF:
EINSTEIN: The universe.
BELICHICK: The journeyman veteran willing to play for league minimum.
ADVANTAGE: Einstein… with all due respect to Larry Izzo.

TROPHY ROOM:
EINSTEIN: 1 Nobel Peace Prize
BELICHICK: 4 Superbowl rings
ADVANTAGE: Einstein

AUTHORED:
EINSTEIN: “Special theory of relativity”
BELICHICK: The forward to “Football Physics: The science of the game.”
ADVANTAGE: Einstein. Let’s face it – without his work, there would never be a chapter titled “The Fundamental Laws of the Snot-Bubbler.”

DEEP THOUGHTS:
EINSTEIN: What if light could bend?
BELICHICK: What if a quarterback came to the line and saw no down linemen?
ADVANTAGE: Push! Wow!

SPENT SOME TIME DEFINING:
EINSTEIN: Brownian Motion
BELICHICK: Browns in Motion
ADVANTAGE: Einstein

FAVORITE FIELD:
EINSTEIN: Gravity
BELICHICK: Gillette
ADVANTAGE: Belichick

CHALK TALK // WINNING FORMULAS:
EINSTEIN: E = MC2
BELICHICK: My way(divided by symbol)Highway
ADVANTAGE: Einstein, in an atom-splitting squeaker!

SECOND ONLY TO:
EINSTEIN: God
BELICHICK: Lombardi
ADVANTAGE: Push

QB:
EINSTEIN: Tom Brady
BELICHICK: Quantum Behavior
ADVANTAGE: Belichick, until Quantum Behavior shows a little more pocket poise.

PHILADELPHIA:
EINSTEIN: An experiment
BELICHICK: Next victim
ADVANTAGE: Push

THE FIRST MAN BOLD ENOUGH TO:
EINSTEIN: Marry a cousin
BELICHICK: Coach a Superbowl in grungy sweats.
ADVANTAGE: Belichick

POTENT QUOTABLES:
EINSTEIN: “Man usually avoids attributing cleverness to somebody else -- unless it is an enemy.”
BELICHICK: “Right now I don't think we'd be very good at all against the Eagles. But we have some time to prepare, and we'll try to use that time efficiently.” (1/25 Monday press conference)
ADVANTAGE: Push

WHAT HIS CONCEPTS REDUCED TO RUBBLE:
EINSTEIN: Entire cities
BELICHICK: Peyton Manning
ADVANTAGE: Push

FAMOUS FRIENDS:
EINSTEIN: Had lunch with Marilyn Monroe
BELICHICK: Pals with Jon Bon Jovi
ADVANTAGE: Einstein, until Jon Bon reinvents the concept of standing over a windy grate in a skirt.

FLED FROM THE SHADOW OF:
EINSTEIN: Hitler
BELICHICK: Parcells
ADVANTAGE: Hmmm…

NEVER:
EINSTEIN: Combed his hair
BELICHICK: Wears his Superbowl rings
ADVANTAGE: Belichick

BIG QUESTIONS:
EINSTEIN: Will my work be used for good or evil?
BELICHICK: Will T.O. Play?
ADVANTAGE: Einstein

OFFERS DECLINED:
EINSTEIN: President, Israel
BELICHICK: Head Coach, New York Jets
ADVANTAGE: Belichick

FAVORITE TV SHOW:
EINSTEIN: NUMB3RS
BELICHICK: WILD ON…
ADVANTAGE: Belichick

GREETINGS AND SALUTATIONS:
EINSTEIN: “What are you up to… you smoked, dried, canned piece of soul?”
(Actual letter excerpt quoted in NY Times Tuesday science Times)
BELICHICK: “Hey.”
ADVANTAGE: Einstein

COULDN’T MANAGE TO:
EINSTEIN: Make Princeton a football power
BELICHICK: Get equal time with the Red Sox
ADVANTAGE: Push

WHERE WOULD THEY BE WITHOUT:
EINSTEIN: Chalk
BELICHICK: Weiss and Crennel
ADVANTAGE: Push

THE FIRST MAN TO EVER:
EINSTEIN: Sport Don King hair
BELICHICK: Send Mike Vrabel out as a receiver.
ADVANTAGE: Push

So there you have it, it’s all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a stunner that puts the nature of our very existence into question, the advantage goes to Belichick. What can I say? Einstein may have defined all those atomic particles, but could he make ’em play like a team?! Then again, it is Superbowl week, and I’m a little worked up. Until next time, I’m Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

As for the game...

Many people write and ask if I ever post my NFL picks, no doubt salivating at the prospect of taking the opposites. In honor of XXXIX, how can I resist? But first, the prospectus that comes with the pill. Super Sunday is to handicapping what New Year's eve is to drinking: Amateur night. The Superbowl looms so large in our culture, the natural urge is to play it, and play it big. Add in a shot of sobering horror—it's the last real game you're gonna see for a long, long time—and the natural tendency is to take those inflated unit values and pump them up to staggering proportions.

The advice here is to view this match up like any other, then decide: Do you really have a strong angle, or are you caught up in the sheer enormity of it all, and jacking up your dollar values just because it's there?

My advice is to stay sane, and if you're looking to heal a whole season's worth of woe with one game, get ready to contemplate the saddest thing on earth: A desperation, get-healthy reach on the Pro Bowl. Shtoink!

Okay, enough cautionary yammering. You're gonna do what you're gonna do. If nothing else, just promise me you're gonna avoid those lame-o grid boards—what I like to call football's answer to pin the tail of the donkey. Are we kids, or what?

Last year my spidey-sense was tingling off the charts at the Panthers plus the points and the over. This year, not so much, but we suggest buying the Pats down to -6.5, and an equally sporting-interest-only unit under the total at 48. I usually love a Superbowl over, but this year my crystal ball sees two dominating defenses, and an addled Eagle offense that may be calling David Akers number a little too often.

That should keep you interested buring this year's post-nipplegate, watered down commercials -- enjoy!!!