Peyton Manning vs Ryan Leaf

Not that long ago they were draft picks #1, and #1-A, today Peyton Manning is throwing touchdowns, and Ryan Leaf is throwing tantrums. I know Leaf came out his Junior year, I didn't know it was his junior year of high school. Supermodels don't pout this much. On the other hand, it's almost eerie for a kid Peyton's age to be this together. Leaf and Manning: The problem and the solution, or is it that simple? Let's see how they stack up at the tale of the tape:

SET ROOKIE RECORDS FOR:

MANNING: Yardage.

LEAF: Belligerence.

ADVANTAGE: Manning

GM'S:

MANNING: Made Bill Polian look brilliant for picking him.

LEAF: Made Bobby Beathard look brilliant for dumping every other first round pick he's ever had.

ADVANTAGE: Manning

PRE-GAME VISUALIZATIONS:

MANNING: Winning

LEAF: What if Spiderman was my best friend?

ADVANTAGE: Manning

HOW THEY DISAGREE:

MANNING: Sir, I disagree, Sir!

LEAF: Firing both barrels of the old gas guns!

ADVANTAGE: Leaf!

R&R:

MANNING: Sips a beer while listening to an acoustic version of "Rocky Top."

LEAF: Tears the wings off a fly, then tries to figure out a way to give it a wedgie.

ADVANTAGE: Push

NEXT STOP:

MANNING: The Hall of fame

LEAF: The Barcelona Dragons

ADVANTAGE: Manning (SOT: LEAF: "knock it off!!"): But I'm not done yet...

BREAKING DOWN THEIR SIGNING BONUSES:

MANNING: 100 grand per TD

LEAF: 100 grand for screaming "Knock it off!"

ADVANTAGE: Manning Sorry kid, these are the jokes...

HE KNOWS AT LEAST EIGHT WAYS TO:

MANNING: Audibilize on second and four.

LEAF: Tip a cow

ADVANTAGE: Manning

TRAINING ROOM:

MANNING: Whatever it takes to win

LEAF: Won't take any pill that isn't shaped like a Flintstone

ADVANTAGE: Manning

TARDINESS:

MANNING: Never

LEAF: Hey, tubby, who you calling "tard?" Did he just call me tubby?

ADVANTAGE: Manning

COMMITTED TO MEMORY:

MANNING: His playbook

LEAF: Every Johnny Deeper joke

ADVANTAGE: Push -- in a shocker!

SPENT THE BONUS MONEY ON:

MANNING: Investments

LEAF: Candy

ADVANTAGE: Manning. Leaf should have spent some of it on a lifecycle. Take a gander at those gelatinous Lunch lady arms! Son, a tank top, shorts, and flip flops are not a winning look for a 260 pounder -- take my word for it!

PRACTICE HIGHLIGHTS:

MANNING: His long, tight Spirals

LEAF: His short, fraying fuse...

ADVANTAGE: Manning

AREAS IN WHICH THEIR GAME COULD IMPROVE:

MANNING: Scrambling for yardage.

LEAF: Holding a clipboard

ADVANTAGE: Manning

TRYING TO MAKE THEM FORGET:

MANNING: Unitas

LEAF: Schuler

ADVANTAGE: Manning

NEMESIS:

MANNING: Florida

LEAF: Cake

ADVANTAGE: Leaf. You didn't think I was going to side against cake, did you? Just look at me.

TEMPORARY LAPSES IN GOOD JUDGMENT:

MANNING: Once mooned some female student athletes.

LEAF: Once forgot to moon some female student athletes

ADVANTAGE: Manning

HARDSHIPS THEIR DAD'S FACED:

MANNING'S: father played for Saints

LEAF'S: father had to raise Ryan Leaf

ADVANTAGE: Push!

FAVORITE PART OF ESPN: THE MAGAZINE:

MANNING: Those delightful NICK BAKAY articles

LEAF: Shoot, I ain't finish College. I ain't much on book learnin', but I like them beeg pitures.

ADVANTAGE: MANNING. But really, aren't we all winners with ESPN the magazine? Okay, that was a shameless plug.

MOST LIKELY TO BECOME:

MANNING: An esteemed football analyst

LEAF: His own grandpa!

ADVANTAGE: Push!

So there you have it, it's so simple when you break things down scientifically. In an NFL style East of Eden re-write, the advantage goes to Peyton Manning, who is apparently saving up all his mistakes for one hellatious mid-life crisis. I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.