Super Bowl vs Big Car Show

Personally, I don't need an excuse to hit the Big Easy. In fact, I like it best when the crowds have left New Orleans, hauling their hangovers back to whatever squaresville they call home.

But some folks prefer to water their wild times down with a little shmoozing and a little networking Which brings us to Super Bowl week Let's face it, at any given Super Bowl the vast majority of stadium seating is filled with the ever-widening hind-flanks of the bidness payback It's not Joe Fan's day If it were, the league might have considered playing a people's game in a cold city this year.

But big wheels keep on turnin', and the NFL begged, bribed and found a way to swap wild weekends with the Car Dealers Convention That leaves us to ponder two lost weekends in New Orleans, with two very different gestalts Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape...

FUELED BY:

CAR SHOW: Gasoline, alcohol or electricity

SUPER BOWL: Money, glory or steroids

ADVANTAGE: Push

FREE STUFF:

CAR SHOW: Car brochures

SUPER BOWL: Souvenir plastic cup...Oh, wait, you have to pay $10 for the soda inside of it

ADVANTAGE: Car Show

QUESTION OF THE DAY:

CAR SHOW: How can we compete with the Japanese?

SUPER BOWL: Did Ray Lewis stay in his room last night?

ADVANTAGE: Car Show

HALF-TIME SHOW:

CAR SHOW: Wannabe Playboy models introducing cars they know nothing about

SUPER BOWL: Rock musicians performing with pop stars they know nothing about

ADVANTAGE: Car show -- more fake breasts, but barely

TICKET PRICES:

CAR SHOW: $7 ($5 with 7-11 coupon)

SUPER BOWL: $300 ($1,800 from ticket broker)

ADVANTAGE: Car show

GONE FOREVER:

CAR SHOW: Mercedes Benz air-conditioning knobs

SUPER BOWL: Victorious quarterback's job...or was that just the Ravens?

ADVANTAGE: Push

PROPER ATTIRE:

CAR SHOW: Members Only jacket

SUPER BOWL: Painted bare chest

ADVANTAGE: Super Bowl

NUMBER OF WASHINGTON REDSKINS PARTICIPATING:

CAR SHOW: Zero

SUPER BOWL: Zero

ADVANTAGE: Push

QUESTIONABLE USE OF SPONSOR:

CAR SHOW: Volvo bikini wax

SUPER BOWL: Metamucil Crunch of the Week replay

ADVANTAGE: Car show

TIME TO HEAD BACK TO THE HOTEL:

CAR SHOW: And now for this year's ashtray options...

SUPER BOWL: Another interception! And that makes it 34-7!

ADVANTAGE: Push

BOURBON STREET, 2:00 am:

CAR SHOW: Jerk from New Haven Acura grazes a busboy with a dart

SUPER BOWL: Losing team's linemen drop their tops and are showered with beads

ADVANTAGE: Super Bowl

EX-MOUSEKETEER:

CAR SHOW: Wanda Levinson, semi-retired manicurist

SUPER BOWL: Britney Spears, international sex symbol

ADVANTAGE: Super Bowl. Sorry again, Wanda.

BIG INNOVATION:

CAR SHOW: Saturn finally masters the steering wheel

SUPER BOWL: Bud Bowl uses electronic first-down markers

ADVANTAGE: Super Bowl

INSPIRATIONAL SPEECH:

CAR SHOW: "Let's sell the crap out of some Kias!" (woofing)

SUPER BOWL: "You men are about to participate in the most-watched disappointment of the year."

ADVANTAGE: Car Show. Think small, be small.

GRUESOME HIGHLIGHT:

CAR SHOW: Super Dave pretends to drink motor oil

SUPER BOWL: Perfectly framed shot of a lineman tearing his ACL

ADVANTAGE: Super Bowl -- you're not fooling anyone, Super Dave

MEDIA COVERAGE:

CAR SHOW: Dirty loudspeaker overlooking some gumbo shops

SUPER BOWL: Every TV network not explicitly devoted to cooking

ADVANTAGE: Push

JAGUARS:

CAR SHOW: Flying off the lot

SUPER BOWL: Sitting at home

ADVANTAGE: Car show

WHAT'S IT ALL ABOUT:

CAR SHOW: Bitchin' hubcaps and some flame decals

SUPER BOWL: An ugly ring and a contract holdout

ADVANTAGE: Car show

HIGH DRAMA:

CAR SHOW: Two yuppie buyers, one Camry

SUPER BOWL: Score gets within a point of the Vegas spread

ADVANTAGE: Push

SMELLS LIKE:

CAR SHOW: Fossil fuels and car salesmen

SUPER BOWL: Nacho cheese, B.O. and victory.

ADVANTAGE: Super Bowl

So there you have it, it's all so simple when you break things down scientifically. In a squeaker, the advantage goes to the car show! But hang in there Super Sunday, at the end of the day, everybody wins with oyster po'boy reflux.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you: The numbers never lie.