Washington Mike vs Vegas Elvis

The Second Coming of MJ. Actually, the Third Coming, but who's counting?

Will it be glorious? Or will it remind us of the disturbing doppleganger...yes, I said doppleganger...of a Las Vegas Elvis impersonator? After all, the guy did walk away from the game on the perfect note. But I say welcome back -- and kudos for honoring a long-standing tradition -- giving the people what they want, regardless of your ability to live up to your own past.

I mean, look at Elvis -- he wasn't exactly at the top of his game for the last 10 years of his career, and he was never more loved! In fact he's still loved, if you're willing to factor in the thousands of men who have devoted their lives to impersonating the king! Because they give the people what they want! Or wanted, as the case may be...

The real Michael Jordan, the fake Elvis, it all comes down to how you want to be remembered. One lives in the shadow of a legend, the other will have to learn how to live in his own shadow. Let's see how they stack up at the Tale of the Tape...

THE DREAM TEAM:

WASHINGTON MIKE: To win his seventh title

VEGAS ELVIS: To finally quit his day job at Stuckeys and marry a Priscilla impersonator

ADVANTAGE: Mike

PRIDE TAKE A HOLIDAY:

WASHINGTON MIKE: It's hard to stand tall in a jersey that says "Wizzz."

VEGAS ELVIS: Your last round of cosmetic surgery left you looking more like Roy Orbison.

ADVANTAGE: Push

FAVORITE MOVIE:

WASHINGTON MIKE: "Space Jam"

VEGAS ELVIS: "3,000 Miles to Graceland"

ADVANTAGE: Push, and pass me the DVD for "King Creole"

TONGUES:

WASHINGTON MIKE: Clean, and fully extended

VEGAS ELVIS: Fat, wet and flecked with remnants of a burnt bacon and banana sandwich

ADVANTAGE: Elvis -- you ever tried a burnt bbs? Lord have mercy!

SIGNS OF AGE:

WASHINGTON MIKE: No longer has to shave his head.

VEGAS ELVIS: A belt the size of the Hoover Dam to hide the undulating tide of belly

ADVANTAGE: Mike

SVENGALIS THEY MAY MISS THIS TIME AROUND:

WASHINGTON MIKE: Jerry Krause

VEGAS ELVIS: Col. Tom Parker

ADVANTAGE: Push

LAST JOB HELD:

WASHINGTON MIKE: Absentee general manager

VEGAS ELVIS: Absentee dad

ADVANTAGE: Mike

HOW THEY GET INTO GAME SHAPE:

WASHINGTON MIKE: Round up some NBA players and scrimmage

VEGAS ELVIS: Round up some CDs and lip snyc

ADVANTAGE: Mike

CAN'T AFFORD TO:

WASHINGTON MIKE: Sign any more starters

VEGAS ELVIS: Shoot TV sets in anger

ADVANTAGE: Mike CENTER STAGE:

WASHINGTON MIKE: The MCI Center

VEGAS ELVIS: Breakfast show at Binion's Horseshoe

ADVANTAGE: Elvis -- you can't double down at the

MCI UPSIDE:

WASHINGTON MIKE: Wizard fans can cheer again.

VEGAS ELVIS: Elvis fans can squint their eyes and pretend you aren't a dead ringer for Dan Blocker.

ADVANTAGE: Mike

MOTIVATIONS:

WASHINGTON MIKE: A perfect ending marred by an unnoticed offensive foul

VEGAS ELVIS: Great music shouldn't go to waste -- it should be ground into livestock feed.

ADVANTAGE: Mike

COMPARED TO FORMER SELF:

WASHINGTON MIKE: Older, wiser

VEGAS ELVIS: Younger, soberer, and still able to tie his shoes without breaking a sweat

ADVANTAGE: Push

NEW POSITION:

WASHINGTON MIKE: Small forward

VEGAS ELVIS: Between the craps table and the elevators

ADVANTAGE: Elvis

SAD MOMENT:

WASHINGTON MIKE: A nearly blown layup

VEGAS ELVIS: Stuck in the buffet line behind a Prince impersonator

ADVANTAGE: Mike -- unless that buffet features a burnt bbs, baby!

TALL ORDERS:

WASHINGTON MIKE: Pretending the young Wizards have "potential"

VEGAS ELVIS: Hitting the high notes in "Teddy Bear"

ADVANTAGE: Push

DENNIS RODMAN:

WASHINGTON MIKE: A fond memory

VEGAS ELVIS: An occasional duet partner

ADVANTAGE: Elvis...thank you very much

WHICH INCARNATION WILL IT BE:

WASHINGTON MIKE: Bulls Mike, Baseball Mike or Nobody Beats the Wiz Mike

VEGAS ELVIS: Rockabilly, Hollywood or Bloated

ADVANTAGE: Mike

DEMOGRAPHICS:

WASHINGTON MIKE: Teammates so young they remember you from that cartoon with Wayne Gretzky and Bo Jackson

VEGAS ELVIS: Audiences so old they toast you with shots of Ensure

ADVANTAGE: Push

TIGHT FITS:

WASHINGTON MIKE: Squeezing yourself under the salary cap

VEGAS ELVIS: Squeezing yourself into last year's jump suit

ADVANTAGE: Push...hard!

TIME TO HANG IT UP:

WASHINGTON MIKE: In practice, you get schooled by Tyronn Lue.

VEGAS ELVIS: The night you get upstaged by a contortionist

ADVANTAGE: Push

A SIGN OF THE TIMES:

WASHINGTON MIKE: Your teammates are actually a decent CBA team

VEGAS ELVIS: Your "band" is actually a karaoke machine

ADVANTAGE: Elvis

DAMN:

WASHINGTON MIKE: Can't officiate at a wedding

VEGAS ELVIS: Will never be asked to endorse underpants

ADVANTAGE: Elvis

PLAYING WEIGHT:

WASHINGTON MIKE: Consistent year round

VEGAS ELVIS: Fluctuates depending on what year he's pretending to be in

ADVANTAGE: Mike

So there you have it, it's all so simple when you break things down scientifically -- in a victory of the vertical game over the horizontal game, the advantage goes to Michael Jordan.

The guy has yet to make a wrong move on the court. But hang in there all you Vegas Elvii, I hear the real Elvis was recently spotted in Michigan, holding a closed door workout for Joe Dumars.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you: The numbers never lie.