NickBakay.comJust Livin' The Dream Nick and Robin Bakay
  Nick and Robin Bakay  
     
NOW
AVAILABLE!
The Tale of the Tape
  • Football vs. Soccer?
  • Baseball vs. Church?
  • Divas vs. Hot Dogs?
All of Nick's classic ESPN columns in one place. See more »

ORDER now from Amazon.com »

SHTOINK
SHIRTS
NOW IN
STOCK
Get 'em » SHTOINK IS HERE

Wilt vs Shaq

May 9, 2001, by Nick

In their prime, both were 7-foot giants who dominated the NBA.

Both have played center for the Lakers.

And if you take their word for it, they both drove the lane more than Casanova...

But when it comes to off-court dominance, who is the ultimate Mac Daddy
of lanky Laker lotharios?

Wilt Chamberlain. Shaquille O'Neal. Let's see how they stack
up at the tale of the tape...

Category Shaq Wilt Advantage
Claims to fame Cindy Crawford The entire female population of Cleveland Wilt
Pick-up lines Wanna help me break Wilt's record? More than 20,000 served Wilt
Pre-date meal Doesn't have time for meals A sandwich the previous date handed him on the way out Push
Inner turmoil Would they date me if I was flippin' burgers? Eventually, one's bound to be my cousin ... Wilt
Avoided Tabloid coverage, 'til now Commitment Shaqi
Why they do it Finally rebelling against strict military upbringing Loves whittling notches in bed post Shaq
How they say goodbye "I've got practice, baby." "Gotta meet 14,837 in Agoura Hills, baby." Shaq. Ever been to Agoura Hills?
Referred to foreplay as Dribbling Straddling the paint Wilt, in a squeaker
Top secret He just might be lying. He didn't reflect in mirrors. Wilt
Idols Charlie Sheen Martin Sheen. Go figure. Wilt
Turn-ons Anyone younger than Dyan Cannon Anything with a pulse Wilt
Turn-offs If she's already slept with Rodman If she expects him to remember her name Shaq
How they keep score googleplex.com An abacus Wilt
Birth control Watching his movies Reminding him he only won two titles* Shaq
Feuds K.O.B.E. N.O.W. Wilt
Aphrodisiacs Five cheerleaders dissing Kobe 300 cheerleaders dissing Bill Russell Push. Everyone loves cheerleaders, right?
The following was not seen on ESPN.com's Page 2
Slogans "Bet you can't eat just one." "Zessssty" Wilt
What they look for in a woman So stupid she thinks that pre-nup is fancy talk for preening Infertility Push
Tattooes Superman's "S" "Swan," which, if he really likes you, reads "Saskatchewan" Wilt
*Busted

So there you have it, it's so simple when you break things down scientifically. In an old-school rejection from the days before goaltending, the advantage goes to...Wilt Chamberlain. The Stilt never wilts, but hang in there, Shaq. Your best conquests are yet to come, and I hear Carmen Electra is always looking for a little pub.

Until next time, I'm Nick Bakay reminding you the numbers never lie.

Number one and two on the Bakay top 40 for ten straight weeks.

Woo Ding (40k)

Shtoink! (10k)